Swig Little Lies 🥤
Determining which stars from "The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives" I would go to Swig with.
After finishing the recent season of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives and reading Hunter Harris’ profile on Whitney Leavitt in Vulture, where they made a trip to one of the holiest foundations of Mormonism: Swig, it got me thinking about which cast members from the show I would go to Swig with.
While others are taking Calculus or Statistics, those in Utah (and beyond) are enrolled in Swigonometry. They know the menu by heart and have their orders memorized like their Social Security Number. It’s a way of life. No coffee, no problem!
Below, I answer a simple question: Would I go with said Mormonista to Swig? 🥤
Very Real and Developed Criteria: Who has the right vibes? Who would understand my preferred flavor profile? Who would I want to gab with over a dirty soda?
Taylor
Yes. Taylor would order all of the snacks for us to share, too. She would definitely tell me about all of the drama that we don’t get to see on the show, along with her entire family lore, and then follow me back on Instagram. We would never hang out again, but she would comment something nice on all of my photos. I would congratulate her on attending the CMAs. Dakota and Taylor’s tethered (Liann) are not allowed anywhere near the premises, though.
Mikayla
No. This is simply because she would spend the entire time talking about her hatred for Whitney (which is her right). However, no amount of dirty soda or sugar cookies could make that bearable to sit through. I would yell, “WE GET IT!” by the end, and it would not be fun for anyone. I appreciated learning more about her backstory this season and would like to know more about her, and not how much Whitney can’t return to MomTok. Pick up the soda and put the shady caption down!
Mayci
Yes. She genuinely seems nice (it’s a reality show, so who knows). We would gab about the drama, but she seems like someone who also asks real questions about your life. She would probably talk about her book and protecting MomTok, but not in an annoying way. She might FaceTime Mikayla and invite her to join us. I guess I would let her come in this instance since there is a buffer. Let’s hope she doesn’t run out on us like she did with Whitney at the donut shop.
Whitney
Yes. Whitney was fun to watch this season. Still a villain, but one I can enjoy. I know she runs a Swig order like the Navy, so she would definitely find the perfect drink for me. She would let me make a guest appearance in a MomTok video, which we would film in the lobby with zero shame. She would bestow me with one of her chunky headbands and a gift card to Swig, even though I might never return. She would say something like “It’s for the memories!” and wink at me like we have a new inside joke.
Demi
No. She would offer to buy me a drink and then Venmo charge me later. She clearly doesn’t play about her money. Very girlboss energy. I would have gone with her last season, but this season would have me telling her, “I think I will enjoy a Poppi at home instead ♥️.“ We will check back in next season to see if I change my mind. I don’t think I would vibe with her after seeing how she moved this season, and what she did to her best friends. I am here for a redemption arc, though!
Layla
Yes. I need her to come to the red table (or whatever Swig has to offer) and tell me why they played that diabolical pregnancy roulette game. Other than that, I feel like Layla would be great to hang out with one-on-one. She’s not always the most present in the group scenes on the show, but I think we would have a lot of shit to talk about. I would like to know what her unexplored beef with Jen is and if she is still with that boyfriend with the terrible haircut (ICK). I think she would have my soda order down.
Jen
Yes. She needs a friend! She’s my half-Latina hermana! I would let her air her troubles and grievances over soda and mini chocolate chip cookies. I would want to hear more about her backstory and her family because I feel like there is a lot to unpack there, but only if she wants to share. We could also keep it light! Maybe she would bring me some of her sponsored Raspberry Rose Poppi too. One can dream! Zac, stay at home! You cannot have any soda with us!
Miranda
No. Well maybe. She’s still new, so it would depend on the day and my social battery. I hope that she shares some more of her story with us next season because I think she fits in well with the cast. She started strong but faded into the background by the end. We can blame it on the edit. Once she’s officially voted back into MomTok (this is so funny, it feels like they have to be invited back to live on the commune 😭 ), then maybe we can grab a soda. I feel like she knows all of the insider flavor combinations!
Jessi
Yes. Jessi would 100% offer to pay for everything, and she would tell me to go and get a second drink to try. I feel like she would also bring a little gift for me, as she just seems like that type of ~mature adult~. I want to ask her if she knows Angie Katsanevas from RHOSLC and if there is any salon beef with Lunatic Fringe. After our thirst was quenched, maybe we could go to JZ Styles. I don’t even know if they cut men’s hair, but I need to see her extension wall in person. We would have a great time.
I need the next batch of episodes to come out before the year ends. It might just change my mind entirely. There is no shortage of drama on this show, and they left us with a doozy of a cliffhanger.
I hope to one day make the journey to Swig, but for now, I’ll have to just settle for a half-price Ocean Water with sweet cream from Sonic. Trust me, though, it’s delicious.
Who would you want to go to Swig with? What would you order?
I need someone to tell Layla that is she is a NYC 10 and does not need to be dating these Utah Mormon weirdos with bad haircuts who are a 1 - and that’s being nice. She’s so incredibly stunning and deserves so much more; she only 24!
Oh my god 100% a pass for Mikayla. She would definitely spend the entire time bitching. If not about Whitney about someone else. She doesn't seem like a pleasant person to kiki with.
My only different from your ranking would be the new girl. She seems nice. It might be a little awkward boring in the way where no one knows to talk about at first but I feel like we could have a good time.